Eva Longoria

Apr. 6, 2008

X-17 IS VELLY VELLY SOLLY

The Toilet-paper tabloid site, X-17 Online issued a bite size apology on April 4th to the San Antonio Spur's Tony Parker and wife Eva Longoria for accusations made in December that Parker cheated on Longoria with a French model.

The statement is about as long as Perez Hilton's dick with no accompanying title or picture. The site, while pissing its poison about the couple, posted more than 10 articles with pictures of them, the model, cell phone chats (it was probably their mamma's cell phone) and letters.

We at Celebrity JackAss are shocked...SHOCKED! that they would accuse Parker and LongWhoria of such accusations so early in their marriage. Everyone knows you don't cheat until the third year in. CelebrityJackAss.com would NEVER make such accusations without verifying our sources, and by "verifying" we mean sending in a prostitute as pootang bate.

Since X-17 are pansies we offer this apology in the place of their pathetic attempt. X-17's new theme song.

May. 28, 2008

IF WENDY WAS A HOE...

Don't you love it when rich celebrities pretend to be one of the po' folks? Eva Longwhoria went back to her home town of Corpus Christie, Texas because she thought it would be "cute" to patronize the minimum wage employees of the local Wendy's.

Actually Eva served frosties for the Father's Day Frosty Weekend to support the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption. People were pleasantly surprised when they pulled up to the drive thru and were asked, "Welcome to Wendy's... Would you like to try our Skank burger combo today?"

"For 50 cents more we can Super Skank that for you!"

Jul. 11, 2008

LONGWHORIA'S SEXY BREASTS

Eva Longwhoria (33) shows off her sexy body in a basketball bikini while vacationing in Italy. Must be nice using an orange band-aid for a bikini top. Imagine all the money she must save.

Man that Tony Parker sure is one lucky guy. Not having to bother with all that cleavage that other guys have to deal with.

And don't get me started on that gut.

Jul. 15, 2008

FUGLY TIMES ARE HERE TO STAY

The Jonas Brothers are gonna be pissed. Eva Longwhoria (33) stole their look without giving them props. I hate when bitches do that. Eva was tired of having a little boys body without having the hair to match. Now she's at peace.

If Tony Parker thought she was a distraction at the foul line before... wait until fans bring cut-outs of her fugly Mexican MacGyver ass.

I'm making mine now.

Aug. 8, 2008

DID WE MENTION THAT TONY PARKER IS ONE LUCKY GUY

Here's Eva Longwhoria (33) on the set of Desperate Housewives. The show's popularity has plummeted over the last 2 seasons and is rumored to end after 2 more seasons.

Hey look on the bright side... Then Tony will have that fugly face all to himself..